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Wednesday, October 21, 2009

The Day I Was Born

This blog is about reclaiming my purpose.  Lord, that sounds lofty, self-important, and B-O-R-I-N-G.  In truth though it can't be any of those things because, really, what else is there?

Here's my story: somewhere along the way I learned to suppress my own natural instincts about how to "go about" my life.  Don't get me wrong ....I know how to behave, I know how to get along with people, I'm super-good at knowing what I'm "supposed" to go about doing.  But I'm 48 years old and I find myself wallowing in false, uninteresting, unchallenging pursuits, having very little knowledge, let alone faith, in my own personal, legitimate impulses.

Ugh!  Gag me for being so heavy!  But it's true.  I lost myself a long time ago.

I know I'm not alone with this problem.  I even have friends with the same or similar problems.  But THIS problem is by definition a solitary pursuit.  So I am alone.  It's like the moment we're born and the moment we die--in a certain way you're very much alone without a single possession to claim, save your body and your soul.  That's how I feel right now ......scared, yet profoundly real and blissfully valid, like the day I was born.

9 comments:

Kensi said...

Sounds great, Laurie! I can't wait to read more...

Randy said...

Lofty? You can't be serious. What greater goal could one aspire to achieve than to REALLY know ones self? I look forward to seeing you venture down your new road(s) and perhaps even one less traveled.

Laurie said...

Thanks you two!

richard said...

You're right, you ar enot alone in this feeling of existential angst. A lot of bloggers are - from the very young (can you imagine people in their 20s suffering from "quarter-life" crisis?) to people like us (in our 40s and wondering why things aren't exactly the way we'd like them). I have to confess, I haven't found older people with this angst - perhaps itis because they are not computer savvy or perhaps they have meaningful lives.

Laurie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Laurie said...

O no I can't believe that Richard, that their lives are more meaningful. Although I will give you that that we may be more computer savvy .....

How can their lives be MORE meaningful? Everyone's life has constant potential meaning. I can tell already that your's is jam-packed. So is mine. Thank god I was blessed with a "background" that showed me how to see it--the "magic" in every minute.

I find the difference to be, those who are content to never learn another thing in their entire lives, vs. those like us, who are content only when we're constantly learning & growing. You know? I know you know actually.

I asked you about Madrid because I've been to Madrid once. Thousands of years ago. With my fiancee, soon to be husband. 1986. I bought Lladro there. My dad was the captain of the U.S. navy base in Rota. We were on our way for a visit. My dear ex-husband insisted we eat at a Burger King in Madrid. I will 1) never forgive him for that and 2) never forgive myself for letting him get away with it. One thing's for sure: next time I'm in Spain ...no American fast food.

I thank you from the bottom of my heart for commenting on this, my very first post. That's why I feel I can be so free with my response. I know no one else is looking at it! And, as you picked up on, it is still very relevant.

richard said...

Ah, so you were the one who asked about Madrid - briefly read all my new comments this mornign and then took off to visiting my commenters and truffling around their blogs (BTW, shouldn't you be sleeping?).

I am in Madrid because my wife works for a UN organization over here. She has been here since June, the kids and I since 23-August.

Laurie said...

I realize in the light of day that you put us in the middle age category (rightly so), not the "older people" category. I jumped us right into older people and my reponse was as such.

Plus this is the second time I've deleted one of my own comments (see above). I really must figure out what that "code" is and remove. As with the one time before, it was a glaring typo that bugged me. I should be able to remove a comment from my own blog without "THIS POST HAS BEEN REMOVED BY THE AUTHOR" glaring out at everyone!!!

Uh yes I should have been sleeping I'm sure. Somehow, had a hard time winding down last night.

Cool about having the opportunity to live abroad! Great great great for the kids too ....

Also loved your pictures of the local flora & fauna on your blog. Even in the states, I'm amazed at the variety when you travel around.

Very unfortunately, at the beginning of a blogging life that is, my camera has decided to not work! Must get fixed!!

richard said...

I'm not sure what commenting software you are using (Blogger default), but when you delete it gives you the option (the Blogger default comment software) to "delete" or "delete permanently". The "delete permanently" is the one that doesn't leave the annoying reminder.

A good way to play is to put up a dummy post and then try to figure out how to delete the comment. Afterwards, you can delete the post and the comments go with it.

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