The List Version

Ok I know I've been vague about my blog-absence.  As a writer I cringe at this vagueness.  So the stickler soon-to-be-a-professional-writer-hopefully part of me has made a "list version" of yesterday's I'm Back post to assuage my writer's-guilt because there's almost no writer's-crime worse than vagueness. 

But this is a BLOG and "I Blog With Integrity"! (see below, right)  And most of my excuses reasons! for not blogging involves other people/things who/which ........maybe I shouldn't write about?  Herein lies the vagueness.

My solution is a list with special notations where details would not be integrity-less. 

Here goes.  "So I know.  I have been absent." (beginning of yesterday's post) because:

1) I began doubting my focus on You Must Take Your Chance--if you ask me, recipes and cleaning tips don't fit well into the taking-chances department.  I became disappointed in myself.  But friend MEC (hi MEC!) recently pointed out that she likes following blogs in which one day is profound and the next day is a pronounced un-profound.  Which is a very freeing notion for me because, seriously folks, I am a Gemini and a truer-Gemini than moi cannot exist.  I am all over the place in the emotion and intelligence (What? Star signs don't dictate intelligence .........? Are you sure??) departments.  You've probably noticed this if you've been following this blog--some posts are hilarious (in my not-humble opinion) and some are so friggin' deadly serious you all are afraid to comment in case the deadliness is contagious through comment-leaving.

PS--btw that is a distinct trend I've noticed.  Serious posts beget far fewer comments than lighthearted posts.  Which is completely ok.  For me too, it's easier to comment on silly stuff.

So my focus may seem out-of-focus at times.  But I promise I will never forget that I'm writing about taking chances, ok?

2) I think I got quite literally depressed about the earthquake that struck Haiti.  However one of my best posts came out of that tragedy (omg, did I just write that?  Please re-read, fighting off all messages from your brain screaming "INSENSITIVE!" "CRASS!!" SMALL MINDED!!!" SELF-ABSORBED!!!!" I don't mean to sound like I benefited from Haiti's anguish at all), and/but it's one of my favorite posts. 

Haiti-to-90999

3) My friend died.

dear kathleen
Heartbroken Cartoon Saturday

4) I broke-up with boyfriend Steve.  Who I still love.  There!  I said it!!

Dumb Blogger keeps removing this post due to copyright infringement issue.  I have to guess at what they're offended by--then I fix--then they keep having cow over said "issue".  If they would only tell me exactly what they're having a coronary over I would gladly oblige.  Look for link to this post in the future if Blogger & I can ever get on the same page. (darn it! ....it's a good post too)

5) Ex and I continue to be co-dependent and dysfunctional (Alisa--notice how I include myself in this diagnosis?).  So I am in the process of re-defining relationship with Ex because we do have Thing One & Thing Two together and we were married twenty years and (as I've told many of my friends) even though I'm nauseous over how many roses are coming up in his life, I don't exactly wish him death either.  But it's difficult to change your relationship with someone.  The "someone" usually doesn't like it. (The Dance of Anger, anyone? great book on this subject. should read if you have any relationships)

He's loves to "confide" in me occasionally, certain aspects of his love-life.  Which is simultaneously gross and front-row-seat-at-a-train-wreck--ish.  I can't help but be rapt over the second aspect.  The first aspect I could live without.  But therapist has convinced me that neither aspect is good for me.  Ohhh .....if only I didn't Blog With Integrity .......the stories I could tell ........

6) Certain extremely close family members (as in parents)(as in both) have been diagnosed with several, separate, serious medical conditions and have undergone serious procedures these past few months.  Despite this, they are strong and independent and have not needed any help from me.  And despite this, I am sad.

7) The number one you-must-take-your-chance item facing me is .........finding myself a full-time job that is (hopefully) rewarding and gives me a regular stream of wheelbarrows full of self-respect.  Oh and a "giving back to the world somehow" quality would be cool too.  This item scares the living merde out of me. (thanks Delana! you made me think about merde today!!)(oh and sorry, all, for grossness of next-to-last statement)  Yep this one is my super scary monster you must take your chance challenge.  I'm making it sound funny, but I'm not laughing at all .....

My current part-time job at an accounting firm (in which I am simply an administrative assistant but which has gotten me through the past 3 years beautifully) is a great job.  But there is no full-time position available and plus a writer in an accounting firm is rather a square peg ........I need to get seriously job searching.  Now.  And I need this blog to blog about it.  And my boss reads my blog (well he knows about it anyway ....).  If you haven't added 2+2 yet, let me break it down another way: Me looking for another job + Boss reading about said job search=Uncomfortable atmosphere at work.  Or =Me-no-even-part-time-job-anymore.

All is well though.  I've recently spoken to fabulous boss (hi Pat!) about my need to find a full-time position that is both professionally and financially rewarding.  And he completely understands.  So now I can agonize about it here all I want!  I'll bet you can't wait .....

8)  I've gained twenty pounds over the past four years.  Am particularly noticing this "difference" the closer I get to almost-19 & 17-years-ago-pregnancy weight.  WTF!!!!!!!!!!

Don't ask me how this affected my blog writing.  But it did.

9) Experienced Thing-One's first heartbreak with him.  I never realized how heartbreaking it is when your child is heartbroken.

Honestly, this seriously set me back.  Of course I won't blog about it (any more than this).  Thing One is my most loyal reader. (hi Thing One!)  Btw, isn't that dear of him?

10) Did I mention I lost faith in myself?  I just ......did.  Despite my frequent ditzi-ness, I'm also kinda anal and perfectionistic and decidedly not ditzi.  And .....I AM A WRITER.  As such this blog is that seed I'm nurturing.  My standards for my craft are high yet I'm the first to say I'm not "there" yet in the craft.  I've got much to learn and skills to hone.

So please forgive the occasional "dumb", "less than inspiring", "huh?" post.  And forgive my occasional "absences".  I know my Gemini-self well--both will happen occasionally.  Please have faith in me when I've apparently lost faith.  I will eventually find it again.  I will always come back.

Oh duh!  11) I work in an ACCOUNTING FIRM and it was TAX SEASON!

Thank-you! my dear reader-friends for hanging with me.